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I could never deny that hanging out with you and the motley crowd of stubborn misfits, hopping night trains, the Playground on Loop St, sleeping at random houses in a big pile that didn’t stop squirming, all our mind-bending discussions with each other while tasty joints were rolled and I always passed them up, the ever changing faces that came in and out of the crowd in pulses, so HUGELY shaped me into who I am today. How I am able to just fit wherever life takes me without anxiety, no matter how temptingly amazing, or strange or uncomfortable, and know how to find those special people who make all the difference. I could write and write about those childhood experiences with you.

I’m just remembering how we dated for one amazing night on your birthday, the night with the fireworks, but then I chickened out afraid everything would change and I’d lose it all if we ever broke up. How you’d walk me home from art school pushing my bike almost every time. I’d pretend it was no big deal, but it was. When you weren’t there it sucked even more because the creepy guy would run up and he’d walk the whole time in total awkward silence, except when he asked a very probing creepy question…

And the time you were still there helping me fix a flat in the garden and my mom came home from work, lost her temper when she saw us and drop-kicked the grocery bag across the kitchen, and the cabbage rolled out the door and plopped in front of us.

Hahaha those WERE the days!!!!! MAN!!!!!

If it wasn’t for you after school to look forward to, and Bron who stuck by me faithfully as I switched from school to school, my life would have been so cruddy. Things were rough back then and I dreaded school so much. God only knows how I stuck the whole thing out. Oh yeah, you guys!

I don’t think I ever told you how much you meant to me. I should have, and so I hope in some way this makes up for it.

Truly, one may gain by losing;
And one may lose by gaining.
~ Lao Tzu

Something permanently changed in me tonight after I took this photo. I walked home in the dark instead of using the headlamp, with acute awareness of my footing, living the present moment, using all my senses, praying I wouldn’t unknowingly squish any frog princes. All the vivid colours that come out at night would have blackened out with a light. I wondered, why do we automatically switch them on without realising this huge tradeoff?

A few hours later while sitting on a rock in the pitch dark, watching a massive lightning storm light up the bellowing clouds circling the volcano, I felt the click happen.

All these years I’ve been desperate for a sense of home, some soil to call my own. The desperation pushed it ever further from my reach until finally I was completely without even a place to return to.

But as of now, I don’t want a home anymore. I don’t need anything. It is always given to me. For example, we ran out of catchment water today. No problem. I got an outdoor shower at a neighbour’s from his catchment, I didn’t care it wasn’t private for the first time in my life — was just so thrilled to be clean! To fill my water bottle! Then as if I wasn’t thrilled enough, I got to see this sunset. And stroke the muzzle of a white stallion that appeared like a ghost in the middle of my trail along a dark long-grassy field.

I’m waking up. I’m realising I’ll always take myself some place amazing. I’m committing this to myself from now on, with all the commitment I always gave to the men in my life. Despite fighting against it for years, I am no longer responsible for looking after anyone but myself, and it’s so much more fun!!

I don’t even want anything anymore. Not new clothes, even bug spray. Not even my laptop all fixed, or even someone to love and travel with. Because I KNOW I’ll always be provided for, even if it’s at the very last second, because I am open to new experiences and don’t mind roughing it on the path to all the good things.

I don’t want anything that isn’t meant to be. I no longer wish for anything to be different. Or have any regrets. If it was meant for me, then I’d have it. If it is meant to be, then I will have it, and it will be at the perfect time too. The same goes for lost loves. If he was meant to be I wouldn’t be here on this island, writing this in a hammock, would I? I’d be in a coffee shop waiting for his shift to end. Happily. But I wouldn’t be here. I am happy. So blessed. I have been here a month and not bored for a second.

I realised while having dinner with all these people in the thunderstorm that I have been SO incredibly BORED for years now! Even with the bit of travelling I’ve done. Because for YEARS I’ve been totally focussed on making others happy and making their day’s better instead of fulfilling my purpose. Why did I choose to do this?!! What on earth was I waiting for?

Now my cheeks ache from smiling every day. My belly hurts from laughing so hard I roll around on the floor sometimes. I often think about how fun it would be to travel deeper and into South America, right to the tip, realising a dream I’ve had since I was a teenager, to taste every single exotic fruit that I can imagine, fruit that have not touched the lips of most people in the world. I always wanted to do this by boat, or walking. Anyway…

I don’t need a home. When you have nothing you automatically gain everything. The whole world belongs to me. It always did, I just never saw it till tonight.

It comes back again, when I miss him, and then I remember this.

I’ve been thinking for days now about how funny it is that you can come all the way out to paradise, leave everything behind, travel across half the globe, and still all your worries follow you. Fretting about money and broken computers and boys and bills… I limit to a few minutes here and there, ever since I have become acutely conscious of this fact. I am here. Right now is what I have right now. What I have, even though it is at times quite brutal and hard to live out here, is AMAZING. I am living completely consciously for the first time in my life. Feeling everything. I haven’t had a joint or a drop of alcohol since I got here.

Almost everyone has gone swimming. I was standing on the edge of the temple eating some pineapple for lunch, looking at the incredible view of the lake and volcano, the clouds swirling fast around it, the grasses sweeping in the wind. Chance is doing somewhat the same in silence. Munching on a slice that’s just dripping sticky everywhere. The pineapple looked like sunshine and I imagined it filling my belly with its rays. I don’t know why. But these days I just let myself imagine things that feel good and my body responds.

I’m thinking about how stupid it is to bring your troubles to a place like this, when you can just bring yourself.

“Paradise.” I heard slip out of me.

“Yeah.”

“I just realised… I have never been more broke in my life and I don’t think I’ve ever been happier. Or more content.”

“Neither have I. I have five dollars.”

We laughed. Then went back to silence.

It reminded me…

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi

I am not leaving this place until I am cemented in this all the time. Unshakably. No matter who comes into my life, who leaves or whether my house burns down with everything in it. It’s what I have wanted for years, and I am only now realising that THIS is the reason I have seeked out so many dangerous, gambly things and relationships, the exact types of situations that break you down to nothing, and strip everything from you.

I have been doing these things ever since I first started feeling fear and abandonment as a little girl. I have always wanted to be broken down to nothing but myself. There is a huge safety in that. Huge. I have wanted unbearable pain and unresolvable dead ends to force my hand, force me to let go of the things I cling to for safety. Things that will always pass, always fail.

It’s the war of the proud ego vs. the humble heart. My ego as it turns out is overinflated in value and ridiculously fragile. My heart, that I thought would crumble, is huge. When I close my eyes and feel it, it creates a space so wide around me its wider than the volcano and more electric than a lightning storm.

I want my heart to win this war. I want to let go, forgive and forgive myself. I want to be free of fear. I want only love to to sustain me. Only love to remain.

We’re all huddled in the centre laughing and hanging out waiting for the storm to clear a little so we can clean up the outdoor kitchen and go to bed. A scraggly joint is being passed around eliciting wild and amazing stories.

As if all this isn’t strange enough, young, natural, strikingly beautiful women have slipped out of their soaked clothes and are running around stark naked in the rain trying to get a tarp up, laughing and squealing. And my belly is full of local dark chocolate and giggles. I LOVE this lightning.

I really am in heaven.

—

Update: the roads washed away leaving canyons and boulders from the volcanic landslide. The “municipal” water pipes also got smushed so we have no water. But the Internet is back up! And Kalima made some beautiful art on me today.

“La vida no es esperar a que la tormenta pase… Es aprender a bailar bajo la lluvia”

(Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.”)

Kulula is an Airline with a head office situated in Johannesburg South Africa. Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”

On another flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”

“Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

From a Kulula employee: ” Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.”

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines.”

“Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses..”

And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

On Kulula flight 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town, the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault. It was the asphalt.”

On a Kulula flight into Cape Town on a particularly windy and bumpy day, during the final approach the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?” “Why, no Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal..”

Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of Kulula Airways.”

Thanks Tins!

My laptop, my tool of trade, died in the first week. I lost a wonderful client because the delay was too uncertain and too long, understandably. And along with that, the $2000 I would have earned out here and used to start a new life when I come back home in 3 months. That was my fantastic unstoppable plan! But now I have no plan. Some of you may not know this but I used the few hundred dollars I had left in the world, in an emergency situation of having to leave Colorado ASAP, to get a return ticket to this place (really at the time, any place would do) with $200 spending money to spare. Real shoe-string stuff here. Horrifically I spent a lot of that in Costa Rica in one day traveling overnight and all day to Nicaragua. A flipping expensive country, despite eating a few small things from a grocery store. I was hoping $200 would cover my expenses in Nicaragua for 3 months since it is the second poorest country and all, which would have been fine but I don’t have much left.

The issue of my laptop dying erupted a string of very painful feelings in me. I lost my ability to work, to be useful, pay my way in the world… I wondered, what am I worth if I’m not contributing in the way I believe I’m designed to be of specialised value to others? I lost the feeling of believing I can always take care of myself, land on my feet, pay for emergency things, even pay to have the parts shipped out here to fix it. I lost my cave, the computer screen is the place I retreat to for some space, privacy, safety, familiarity, connection with family. This compulsion would come out especially when there were a lot of people around.

For 2 days I walked around miserable, stunned, bewildered, frightened. I cried a lot. I missed my ex unbearably more than ever. Those 2 days a massive storm also cut out connection to the Internet after the cable got waterlogged, and my ability to even email my mom with my phone, someone. Anyone! I felt marooned, lost. Even surrounded by amazing people I felt lonely, homesick. That triggered a big one for me too because I don’t even know where home is. I felt like my life was a total disaster. I felt like a joke.

It’s been an eye-opening and humbling experience. I realised how much of my identity is wrapped up in this false shell of my trade. And it’s not even close to who I really am. It’s all ego. Bullshit. I’m incredibly valuable to the ones who know and love me without having to do or prove a thing.

I have enough. I’ll always have enough. I will always somehow have a simple, healthy meal in my belly and a place to sleep. I know this because it has always been the case. If I stopped believing this I would likely end up on the streets. It’s just how it works. I believe the universe has always taken care of me. I’ve lost the loves and homes I knew 3 times now and have always come out just fine. It’s in all of us to believe and receive this peace.

I’ve also had to let go of being clean. Another big one for me. Let go of being picky, selective. It’s 90% humidity and 100 degrees all day and night here. It rains on and off constantly, splashing everything with mud since we have roofs but no walls, moulding my belongings, springing forth showers of sandflies from the earth when it stops that feast on me in the thousands. Its itchier than anything you have ever known. In the madness of my sleep I have scratched huge chunks of skin off using the scratchy mosquito net. I’m surrounded by mud. I dry myself off from the shower standing in mud. I’m covered in sweat. Even the computers sweat. But this sweat is the sweat of undeniable purging, releasing toxins. It’s GOOD! It forces you to purge.

You can’t hold onto anything out here. Not your belongings, the idea that anything belongs to you, you can’t hold onto your toxins, your vanity, haha, paying your bills back home on time. You can’t hold onto your life back home in any shape or form. You can’t hold onto your ex either even if you wanted to.

It’s all good, so good for the soul, to just let it all go. Hang out. Be free! Give in to what life wants to do with you, let it show you what it’s been trying to for years now. Even though it had to beat it out of me I’m so glad it did! I needed this wake up from the trance, this dance with mundaneness, with pleasing others so they would hopefully stay or still want me around, with sacrificing my real interests and crazy passions to make things happy and comfortable for my partners for years now. I’m not accountable for anyone but myself now. Finally.

In sacrificing everything I held onto for years, the things I used to believe made me who I am today, I am finally finding me. She’s not who I expected to meet.

I may have $35 left in the whole world, but I feel like the richest, most well looked after and luckiest woman in the world. I have everything I need to nourish my body and soul. I wake up in the dark and dance in a sleepy trance while the sun rises over the lake and volcano in front of my eyes. I sleep in a hammock and wake up to the sounds of monkeys. I walk through thick jungle to a lake and swim with nibbling fish and a volcano. I value chocolate, onions and DEET like gold. There are shirtless lithe and gorgeous exotic men with insane washboard stomachs from heavy labour riding round on bicycles everywhere, circling me, and it’s even become annoying. Mud takes away the itchiness of insect bites. I drink tons of water and sweat out all the crap from months of not taking care of myself. The garden here is bursting with all the food I could ever need to eat. I’m surrounded by incredible, beautiful people who are all here to learn, live and love fully. Who I learn from every day, what love is, what trust is, true friendship. All over again.

Middle America is magical like that. You too can spend the pittance you have left in the world to go some place you feel you don’t belong. Then find out what happens next. Let go of your plans, desired outcomes and when you’re coming back. How youre going to pay for it. Let it burst open your heart — even violently if you resist — your eyes and senses to all the bullshit and all the beauty in you and to everything around you.

Give in to it as if it were your lover. It WANTS you. ALL of you. The way you have always wanted to be wanted. Nothing less will do.

So whenever your relationship is not working, whenever it brings out the “madness” in you and in your partner, be glad. What was unconscious is being brought up to the light. It is an opportunity for salvation. Every moment, hold the knowing of that moment, particularly of your inner state….

…Humanity is under great pressure to evolve because it is our only chance of survival as a race. This will affect every aspect of your life and close relationships in particular. Never before have relationships been as problematic and conflict ridden as they are now. As you may have noticed, they are not here to make you happy or fulfilled. If you continue to pursue the goal of salvation through a relationship, you will be disillusioned again and again. But if you accept that the relationship is here to make you conscious instead of happy, then the relationship will offer you salvation, and you will be aligning yourself with the higher consciousness that wants to be born into this world. For those who hold on to the old patterns, there will be increasing pain, violence, confusion, and madness.

~ Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now

(Reminder to self: this is why I usually backpack and adventure with men.)

Though I have to hand it to them. They are all pretty brave for girly girls. Got muddy, sweaty, climbed through barbed wire fences and risked all for pizza. And I love them. I hang out with these people 24 hours a day and never get bored of them. And they’re always up for a hug.

It’s time to crash. I have an eyeball growing between my big and second toe and ankles to lick. I think saliva might help? Good night!