the flare that shot from the son
I just woke up from the most amazing dream about Tristan. It felt so real that I was literally dumbfounded when I woke up. Yet it feels like it happened, somehow in the ether, if that’s even possible. Maybe it happened on another timeline, maybe we were both thinking about each other in this way at the moment I dreamt it. I dont know. But it feels real. And I felt it coming from him.
Two days ago I received the last of the boxes that had been sitting in the RV for the past few years. The last box that I opened was by far the most precious of all. It contained every beautiful drawing and painting and creation and love note that Tristan had made for me during the RV trip. I didnt get to keep the stuff of his from before the trip unfortunately, but this was still a huge treasure bundle. One of my favourite items was a book he made me for Mother’s Day. He used to write a note in it and stash it away somewhere for me to find, like under the covers of the bed or under my desk. Id reply and stash it somewhere for him to discover, and we’d communicate this way back and forth, with little secret silly messages for each other before the RV trip started. I very fortunately kept it with me for the trip too so I still have it. Oh my gosh we both loved this book so much!! In every message he’d write “Mom”, often at the beginning and sometimes the end of every sentence, and every time I read that word my heart would skip a beat. It would literally skip and thud. I could feel the excitement he felt when he wrote it because he loved to write it so much. This book is so special to me.
Today for no reason at all I fell asleep in the middle of the day and started dreaming. I was walking down a passage in some kind of public building, maybe a hospital I think… his grandmother bumped into me and said hi and I was so happy to see her. Then suddenly I spotted him standing at the corner at the end of the passage, saw me but wasnt sure if it was me so he turned the corner and started walking towards me… the second he recognised it was me for sure his eyes widened and he mouthed, “mom.” and started running towards me. I ran towards him and dropped to the ground as he threw his arms around me. There was a huge squeeze. I was sobbing. he was small, the size he was when I last laid eyes on him years ago so we were eyes to eyes at that height, both of us feeling tides of huge emotions clearly pouring out of our eyes as I put my hands on his precious cheeks, looked into his eyes and started telling him how very much I have missed him, that I’ve never stopped thinking about him and loving him, and that he will ALWAYS be in my heart, that he will always feel like my son no matter what anybody says or does it can never change, and he will always have a mother in me. We both started crying with happiness and hugged and hugged. I felt so much release and so much joy and everything glowed and lit up from the heart of us as we felt lighter and lighter, like an ascension of some kind, and then I woke up.
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