Seriously though, it’s not personal

Have you ever wondered why people do the things they do, to you? Let it just bewilder you for ages, sometimes for years? Sometimes they appear clueless as to how they are hurting you, but sometimes even knowing they’re hurting you, but they do it anyway? Sometimes people who say they really care about you keep doing the same things over and over. You stay in the hopes that they will realise you’re better than how they treat you.

Have you ever stopped to think what you are doing to your body when you take this on as a personal reflection of your worth? How does it make you feel when it happens? How does it feel inside your body? For me all my organs squeeze. My guts squirm. My breathing almost stops to the most shallow, daren’t-even-move-in-case-I-exist feeling. Sometimes it makes me want to not even be alive the pain is so unbearable. One time I fell to the ground and held my head screaming it hurt so bad. Sometimes in the past, I let it go on and on so much that I allowed it to devalue me, make me feel worthless, even though it doesn’t make sense, even though I know I am worth infinitely more than I allow myself to be treated. Infinitely. I would stay and take more, or leave but investigate and find out more. I don’t know if you can relate?

Out here on the island I’m working on all this stuff in a safe environment. Getting rid of a lot of unwanted crap. Stuff I don’t want hanging around anymore. Old haunts that aren’t worth remembering.

Speaking of which, today I was thinking about a girl who I had never met in my life before. She toyed with two men I loved and cared deeply for, for years, until they left me. Or made it impossible for me to stay with them, watching the game go on between them, neither of them willing to stop the game. One man after another over the years. It was heartbreaking torture and I lost my home both times as she stepped into my shoes, into my home, as soon as I was gone. She didn’t care for either of them very much, appreciate them when she had them, or have any remorse at all. She just wanted to know she had the option if she wanted it.

The second time it happened I took it very personally. “Why is she not happy with what she has? Why me? What did I ever do to her to deserve this? What the heck is wrong with her?!” I also let it over time, as I fought to keep the man I was with, devalue me. Crush my self-esteem, wonder what it was about her that was so much more special. I could never find the answer to this, even after 6 years of searching, which in itself was horrendously embarrassing, being lower in value to the man I loved than a woman I had so little respect for. That was also in my head, actually being lower in value to her, in any way. And so, over time I accepted more and more torture because my value was low, waiting and hoping, in an effort to keep the man I loved so much.

I CHOSE all these things. Why? Because I allowed myself to take it personally. If I hadn’t taken it personally, I’d have been, “Oh boy, not again! I don’t want to have anything to do with this. I’m worth more than this. See ya!”

I realised today, FINALLY, that it wasn’t personal. Yeah, she did it to me twice and probably thoroughly enjoyed it. Loved the attention too. But it wasn’t me. She would have done it to any woman, a hundred times if necessary, to make her feel better about herself, or whatever it is she is seeking to fill an apparent huge void in herself. People do stuff to us because of who they are, how they were brought up, the secret addictions and compulsions they may have, the things that happened to them in their youths that are unexplainable, that nobody could understand but them. They may hurt you, but its not personal. They each have their own crap to work through and deal with, just like you and me, and in many cases do stupid selfish things to get what they want, even if its the very worst thing for them, even if it destroys their every happiness too, even if they watch you suffer in the process. Many have no remorse. Others have no idea how to stop and they cry for themselves and for you while they keep doing it. I’ve been on the other side too.

Its not personal. Very often, in our natures, people are too selfish anyway for it to be about you. They are only thinking of themselves. It can hurt too that they’re not thinking about you at all, haha. But if you can let it go, if you can decide its not personal, you begin to realise your immense value again. You regain yourSELF. Old haunts disappear. Old beliefs about yourself too. Like the lie that you are the type of person that people eventually leave. You begin to see what you have to offer yourself, and the right person who will some day come along. So chin up!

Its not about you. So gather yourself, work through your own crap so you can be a better happier person, and leave them be on their merry way. Hopefully they will figure their stuff out, but don’t hold your breath for them, even though you love them. Life is too short to take it so personally. It’s going to be more than okay. It’s going to be great! You know why? Because you’re actually doing something about it. Not just wallowing in “Why me! Poor me!”.

If you are reading this and it hits you with a “YES! You are writing this for me! I can feel it!”, even though I probably don’t know you, I am *hugging* you so tight right now. You’re going to be just fine. WE are going to do just wonderfully!

*LOVE*

This entry was posted by } bird { on Wednesday, September 8th, 2010 at 4:18 pm and is filed under Food for thought, Personal, wildishheart. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.