Truth waits on eyes unclouded by longing

Truly, one may gain by losing;
And one may lose by gaining.
~ Lao Tzu

Something permanently changed in me tonight after I took this photo. I walked home in the dark instead of using the headlamp, with acute awareness of my footing, living the present moment, using all my senses, praying I wouldn’t unknowingly squish any frog princes. All the vivid colours that come out at night would have blackened out with a light. I wondered, why do we automatically switch them on without realising this huge tradeoff?

A few hours later while sitting on a rock in the pitch dark, watching a massive lightning storm light up the bellowing clouds circling the volcano, I felt the click happen.

All these years I’ve been desperate for a sense of home, some soil to call my own. The desperation pushed it ever further from my reach until finally I was completely without even a place to return to.

But as of now, I don’t want a home anymore. I don’t need anything. It is always given to me. For example, we ran out of catchment water today. No problem. I got an outdoor shower at a neighbour’s from his catchment, I didn’t care it wasn’t private for the first time in my life — was just so thrilled to be clean! To fill my water bottle! Then as if I wasn’t thrilled enough, I got to see this sunset. And stroke the muzzle of a white stallion that appeared like a ghost in the middle of my trail along a dark long-grassy field.

I’m waking up. I’m realising I’ll always take myself some place amazing. I’m committing this to myself from now on, with all the commitment I always gave to the men in my life. Despite fighting against it for years, I am no longer responsible for looking after anyone but myself, and it’s so much more fun!!

I don’t even want anything anymore. Not new clothes, even bug spray. Not even my laptop all fixed, or even someone to love and travel with. Because I KNOW I’ll always be provided for, even if it’s at the very last second, because I am open to new experiences and don’t mind roughing it on the path to all the good things.

I don’t want anything that isn’t meant to be. I no longer wish for anything to be different. Or have any regrets. If it was meant for me, then I’d have it. If it is meant to be, then I will have it, and it will be at the perfect time too. The same goes for lost loves. If he was meant to be I wouldn’t be here on this island, writing this in a hammock, would I? I’d be in a coffee shop waiting for his shift to end. Happily. But I wouldn’t be here. I am happy. So blessed. I have been here a month and not bored for a second.

I realised while having dinner with all these people in the thunderstorm that I have been SO incredibly BORED for years now! Even with the bit of travelling I’ve done. Because for YEARS I’ve been totally focussed on making others happy and making their day’s better instead of fulfilling my purpose. Why did I choose to do this?!! What on earth was I waiting for?

Now my cheeks ache from smiling every day. My belly hurts from laughing so hard I roll around on the floor sometimes. I often think about how fun it would be to travel deeper and into South America, right to the tip, realising a dream I’ve had since I was a teenager, to taste every single exotic fruit that I can imagine, fruit that have not touched the lips of most people in the world. I always wanted to do this by boat, or walking. Anyway…

I don’t need a home. When you have nothing you automatically gain everything. The whole world belongs to me. It always did, I just never saw it till tonight.

This entry was posted by } bird { on Monday, August 30th, 2010 at 8:55 pm and is filed under desireth, Food for thought, hiking/backpacking, InanItah, Nicaragua, Personal, Photos, the pursuit of happiness, The theory of everything, Travelog, wildishheart. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.