Bringing a World of Worries to Paradise
The water supply is still down after two days and I think I caught something really nasty yesterday, there's Guardiasis going round. But I was on it with Olive Leaf Extract and woke up just fine today. The many troubles on my heart and mind last night sweated away with all the toxins and the rainstorm and I woke up bouncing.
I've been thinking for days now about how funny it is that you can come all the way out to paradise, leave everything behind, travel across half the globe, and still all your worries follow you. Fretting about money and broken computers and boys and bills... I limit to a few minutes here and there, ever since I have become acutely conscious of this fact. I am here. Right now is what I have right now. What I have, even though it is at times quite brutal and hard to live out here, is AMAZING. I am living completely consciously for the first time in my life. Feeling everything. I haven't had a joint or a drop of alcohol since I got here.
Almost everyone has gone swimming. I was standing on the edge of the temple eating some pineapple for lunch, looking at the incredible view of the lake and volcano, the clouds swirling fast around it, the grasses sweeping in the wind. Chance is doing somewhat the same in silence. Munching on a slice that's just dripping sticky everywhere. The pineapple looked like sunshine and I imagined it filling my belly with its rays. I don't know why. But these days I just let myself imagine things that feel good and my body responds.
I'm thinking about how stupid it is to bring your troubles to a place like this, when you can just bring yourself.
"Paradise." I heard slip out of me.
"I just realised... I have never been more broke in my life and I don't think I've ever been happier. Or more content."
"Neither have I. I have five dollars."
We laughed. Then went back to silence.
It reminded me...
"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."
~ Mahatma Gandhi
I am not leaving this place until I am cemented in this all the time. Unshakably. No matter who comes into my life, who leaves or whether my house burns down with everything in it. It's what I have wanted for years, and I am only now realising that THIS is the reason I have seeked out so many dangerous, gambly things and relationships, the exact types of situations that break you down to nothing, and strip everything from you.
I have been doing these things ever since I first started feeling fear and abandonment as a little girl. I have always wanted to be broken down to nothing but myself. There is a huge safety in that. Huge. I have wanted unbearable pain and unresolvable dead ends to force my hand, force me to let go of the things I cling to for safety. Things that will always pass, always fail.
It's the war of the proud ego vs. the humble heart. My ego as it turns out is overinflated in value and ridiculously fragile. My heart, that I thought would crumble, is huge. When I close my eyes and feel it, it creates a space so wide around me its wider than the volcano and more electric than a lightning storm.
I want my heart to win this war. I want to let go, forgive and forgive myself. I want to be free of fear. I want only love to to sustain me. Only love to remain.
June 2013 / April 2013 / March 2013 / February 2013 / January 2013 / December 2012 / November 2012 / October 2012 / September 2012 / August 2012 / July 2012 / June 2012 / May 2012 / April 2012 / March 2012 / February 2012 / January 2012 / December 2011 / November 2011 / October 2011 / September 2011 / August 2011 / July 2011 / June 2011 / May 2011 / April 2011 / March 2011 / February 2011 / January 2011 / December 2010 / November 2010 / October 2010 / September 2010 / August 2010 / July 2010 / June 2010 / May 2010 / April 2010 / March 2010 / February 2010 / January 2010 / December 2009 / November 2009 / October 2009 / September 2009 / August 2009 / July 2009 / June 2009 / May 2009 / April 2009 / March 2009 / February 2009 / January 2009 / December 2008 / November 2008 / October 2008 / September 2008 / August 2008 / July 2008 / June 2008 / May 2008 / April 2008 / March 2008 / February 2008 / January 2008 / December 2007 / November 2007 / October 2007 / September 2007 / August 2007 / July 2007 / June 2007 / May 2007 / April 2007 / March 2007 / February 2007 / January 2007 / December 2006 / November 2006 / October 2006 / September 2006 / August 2006 / July 2006 / June 2006 / May 2006 / April 2006 / March 2006 / February 2006 / January 2006 / December 2005 / November 2005 / October 2005 / September 2005 / August 2005 / July 2005 / June 2005 / May 2005 / April 2005 / March 2005 / February 2005 / January 2005 / December 2004 / November 2004 / October 2004 / September 2004 / August 2004 / July 2004 / June 2004 / May 2004 / April 2004 / March 2004 / February 2004 / January 2004 / December 2003 / November 2003 / October 2003 / September 2003 / August 2003 / July 2003 / June 2003 / May 2003 / April 2003 / March 2003 / February 2003 / January 2003 / December 2002 / November 2002 / October 2002 / September 2002 / August 2002 / July 2002 / June 2002 /