Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

I realised a few days ago that the only thing we really have any control over is what we choose to focus on. We give it away all the time by focussing on things that make us feel yucky inside. So it’s time for a mental declutter.

I woke up this morning stronger and with a clearer mind than I have ever felt. The issues are simple. I make idiotic mistakes all the time – admit to them all the time. I’m always open to loving criticism but not a fully-fledged ambush with the intent to sting so bad it controls how I live, from anyone, no matter how much I love them. It was so unexpected from someone so close I cried for days afterwards and I’ve been numb all month. I am no longer open to others well-meaning anxieties and hangups controlling my freedom of expression. That is a prison to someone like me. I woke up this am and realised I’ve taken all that on for over a month without realising it — I’ve been anxious ALL the time, awkward in conversation, unable to sleep some nights or focus during the day, all the while with other people’s hangups and worries! I hadn’t even noticed they weren’t my own. Perspectives from their own life lessons and choices. People who live lives so completely different to how I want to live to be happy, and therefore would take me down their road, yet I failed to realise the importance of that. None of these anxieties and hangups have been any help whatsoever as intended, but had me feeling awful all the time, second-guessing every single thing I did. So, from this morning I am back to being comfortably me. I love all those close to me but if you love me too, please just let me be me. A little crazy yes, constantly doing things you’d probably never dream of doing, but happy again :) Feeling well, like I did the few months preceding. And please know, I still really love you very much. I just can’t carry that baggage around anymore.

Related to this somewhat and for the record, Smoky, that Hit and Run the other day was not only deliberately provocative, it was incredibly cowardly. Never returned to apologise for your callous assumption after I replied, or to even support your statements. I remember one or two of your comments from the past complaining that I was writing about too much happy stuff and to write more about things going wrong. I’m sorry my writing has been such a huge disappointment to you. I should have been writing just for you and I guess that made you feel like I didn’t care about you at all because my focus was all wrong. You are obviously more interested in my life than you pretend to be. I did the research, and you are not, as vaguely implied, someone I know in real life.

The only excuse I have for you is that you are likely of a generation that doesn’t understand what a blog is. Although I have plenty of friends in the 70-80yo range that know what a blog is. Let me explain. It’s a place where people usually write boring, stupid stuff about the sandwich they just had, that they are feeling somewhat blue today and don’t know why, they woke up with an itch on the left elbow and thought it was interesting, or the crappy music they are bopping to right now. I write stupid stuff too, but at least I put a bit of effort into keeping things somewhat interesting. At least I have the courage to write about things that are less than flattering, and honest, whereas you don’t even have the courage to reveal your real name. It’s got to be at least a little interesting or I wouldn’t be getting growing hits every week. At least I keep things upbeat and positive for the most part (sorry about that) and invite a community response. I am genuinely interested in other peoples lives and opinions. How they express themselves and live their lives.

I can only imagine what a hugely miserable bummer your blog would be to read, so thank God you don’t have one. Please for the love of Thundercats don’t start one. If I accidentally stumbled on it without realising it was yours, one read would probably drive me to actually hang myself while forcing myself to listen to Rick Astley’s “She Wants To Dance With Me” on repeat and thrashing myself brutally with barbed wire, just to make it stop. Also, in case you didn’t know, keeping an active blog with lots of comments is the number one way to keep a tiny site like mine afloat amongst the big players in the search engines. This is a freelance business primarily, and so far my blog is the only thing bringing in the hits and the work flowing. I know, because I track my hits, and I am never short on work. I am much smarter than you realise, and NOTHING like anybody you will ever know. You have a crappy hand, obviously lack the social skills to ever be dealt a good one, and I will call you out on it every time.

And with that, I rub my hands and thoughts of you. I am done. Moving on…

Now, for a much needed cuteness overload!

This entry was posted by } bird { on Saturday, March 27th, 2010 at 4:59 pm and is filed under blogalog, Personal, wildishheart. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.