Catching My Tailspin

What’s up with that? Where do I get this INSANE sense of URGENCY from? I feel like I only have 2 years left or something. Oh these plans for the next two years keep going around and around in circles in my head, I freak out about when I’m going to get it all done, how I haven’t been back to Cape Town in 10 years, how I’m going to save up enough to do the Appalachian Trail next year, get access to a chiropractor to fix my back… Late last night I was online chatting to my best friend Joseph, going on and on about this and that, trying to figure out where I’m going to settle for a few months to grow my garden, how I’m going to schedule and plan my garden’s seasons around all my travel plans just for this year, knowing the garden needs to be more of a priority as it will pay for all this travel. And its my first garden so I need to focus on it but if it goes too long it could tie me down… blah blah… fret, worry blah. Brain fart.

He just listened for ages. Nothing seems to rush him into a fluster, not even when I’m freaking out.

joseph: I worry about you. Please know that you are going to do amazingly satisfying things no matter what this year, you cant control the circumstances that lead you to them, they will find you with open arms. Just trust in nature, it happens no matter what we do, just be your beautiful self and you will have exactly what you need.

me: I feel this urgency. I don’t know where its coming from. So many dreams I let fall away for years, forgotten, I’m worried that I might do that again. I might slow down and then get comfortable, and then Peru wont happen, South Africa wont happen. again. And the Appalachian Trail, its a year away, but its really around the corner.

joseph: i just want to hold you and tell you that you are on the right path, don’t think so hard about it, you cant schedule your life so much. i love you no matter what.

I try not to have expectations, that dirtys it all up. Just be true to yourself.

me: its important to have a vision. to have it in the back of my mind as I plan the garden for example. everything I do needs to point towards what I want. or I will end up on another road…

joseph: maybe a more beautiful road, i love you need for adventure, it is one of your most attractive characteristics. but if you dont make as much money the first round, doesnt mean that your travels woundn’t be better or worse. they would be harder maybe, but could be more fulfilling in the same right.

He is so right. I have travelled on next to nothing before and its always been the most close to the ground travel experiences of my life. He’s right about my high expectations on myself, being able to trust this amazing path I’m already on and already enjoying so much, trying not to schedule my plans so militantly, and to stop trying to control my circumstances!!! All of it is ridiculous. I have so much deprogramming to do, so much work to get to a point where my spinning out thoughts don’t control my day.

While I go through the process of sorting through the rubble of my past life, I have an unwaivering support who has an uncanny ability to smooth over my recently and seriously ruffled tail feathers in a matter of seconds. He points out so much beauty in life all the time which I love about him because I love to see the beauty in life even in the saddest moments. I have often been told I can make lemonade when life gives me lemons, but he’s a freaking lemonade factory. When I first met him he was outside the destroyed rubble of his factory with his 25c lemonade stand… I really had absolutely no idea who I’d met. I feel incredibly lucky to be around him so much of the time. He is always available for support. Always. He’s always there to spot me as I climb, never misses when I scrape or fall. I haven’t before met a man strong enough to catch a woman who’s larger than life before. So many have run for the hills. He’s unlike anyone I have ever met in all my travels. My very best friend.

I love him so much.

This entry was posted by } bird { on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 5:30 pm and is filed under blogalog, desireth, Entrepeneurial spirit, Food for thought, Friends, Personal, Photos, USA, wildishheart. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.