Anger, the enlisted mercenary within
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
~ The Buddha
This morning I woke up angry. I’ve had moments of anger, hours and sometimes a day here or there feeling angry, throughout this process of letting go, but nothing like today. I knew that something massive had shifted inside me and that it was coming out, fast. I thought I was over feeling angry, that I was free and clear of it, I even blogged recently about how happy I was about being free of it, but I wasn’t able to see what was buried underneath the twinklings of anger I’d dealt with up until now. I don’t like it. It’s a dark, destructive, cancerous, vicious and even violent energy that I cannot hold inside, I mustn’t allow myself to feel satisfied or justified in this anger, I mustn’t hold onto it or it’ll tear me to pieces over years and years. I absolutely must resist all urges to let it pour all out like lava over someone else, whether it be a friend or my partner in a few years, even the people I feel angry towards. That kind of energy only attracts more of the same, as I vibrate with violent, chaotic anger. I want to attract peacefulness, unconditional love, bliss and patience into my life, and that can only come to me if I have that same energy inside me.
No, I have sat with this anger for some time today to understand its nature, to truly feel it, and to feel where it is coming from and why, and found its roots in this ever increasily useless ego of mine. I sensed that this energy can be transformed through finely tuned thought into highly motivating, propelling positive energy with the polar opposite qualities – lightness, upbuilding, gentle, graceful, peaceful harmony. The kind that makes the whole body sing with the vibration of bliss. This temporary debilitating anger can be harnessed only with careful mindfulness to propel me, to motivate me, as I go through the process of releasing it. So I’m going to hop on my bike, ride out a few miles to the springs on this gorgeous sunny day and spend a lot of time out there reflecting on this very uneasy feeling and how I’m going to do this. I’m probably going to scream my lungs out, alone in the desert, and watch the black birds fly out of my mouth and into the sky. Or, if I’m lucky I’ll figure out how to convert this energy into something useful and desired.
Your thoughts on how you’ve dealt or haven’t dealt with extreme anger in your life, and the results of those actions on your life and others, your reflection as you look back now with the benefit of time, is very welcome. As with all these posts.
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Comments
I've gone at it all different ways. Pity party, ranting, pushing it down. It's all the same at the end of it. You have to find a way to let it go or it's destructive. You have to move past it, around it, beyond it. Keep going towards the light.You are in the right place to heal. There is nothing more healing than the Chihuahuan desert. It give one a proper sense of her place in the cosmos. I wish I could help you. I hurt with you. I'm angry for you. But, ultimately, this is a solitary journey only you can travel. It seems to me you are on your way to being whole and positive again. You've taken your anger out, held it in your hand, turned it over and looked at it from all angles, and thought about how to make it disappear. This was a beautiful bit of writing you did. I loved it.
Thank you Karen. I think writing really helps.
PS: if you comment on yummy-wakame instead of here I can keep your comments forever :)
best wishes, Olivia
Thanks Zach. A bunch.
When I come out to Marathon to see you, I definitely want to meet Zach. Zach is what we in Texas call "good people".
Oh my gosh yes. He's solid gold.
In my sleepiness I missed the part where you'd come to see me, being real. Freaking YAY! :D
As requested.
I’ve gone at it all different ways. Pity party, ranting, pushing it down. It’s all the same at the end of it. You have to find a way to let it go or it’s destructive. You have to move past it, around it, beyond it. Keep going towards the light.
You are in the right place to heal. There is nothing more healing than the Chihuahuan desert. It give one a proper sense of her place in the cosmos.
I wish I could help you. I hurt with you. I’m angry for you. But, ultimately, this is a solitary journey only you can travel.
It seems to me you are on your way to being whole and positive again. You’ve taken your anger out, held it in your hand, turned it over and looked at it from all angles, and thought about how to make it disappear.
This was a beautiful bit of writing you did. I loved it.
What a gal. I love you Karen.
Just find the album by Black Flag entitled “damaged”. Listen to it full blast until you have sweated it out. The concept is to not suppress it but give it an outlet. Music, painting….a catharsis of sorts to bring you to a calmer place. Also, I found that I only get angry when I don’t understand something. So perhaps you could ask more questions and get to know yourself better.
Yes, I'm definitely pondering a trip out there. But it won't be until Spring. I'm not going to tempt fate by traveling in the unreliable winter weather out there. Of course, spring is probably no better.
sweet! something to look forward to :D
they say if you are a passive person, to cry until you start punching. and if you are an aggressive person, to punch until you start crying.olivia, it is ok to feel angry. my advice is feel it all the way through, alone. do everything you love to do until you can feel the enjoyment. and come out when you are ready. if it was because of a dream you had, i think our dreams are our therapist. they work out issues we have. even when i thought i was past garret, i would have dreams bringing it all back to life. and that is ok, too. just don't be in a hurry to be happy go lucky. appreciate the array of emotions we are able to go through. live in the moment. you are strong and beautiful. you will be fine.
Hi Liv. I absolutely identified with your note. My 5cents worth is that your anger is a gift. Its not always a nice feeling but it can also be a powerful feeling. Don't give into it and let it control you. Embrace it and use it constructively. It can be positive as long as it foesnt overwhelm you xxx
yes. yes yes yes!
Oh so healthy … honestly acknowledging this feeling as part and parcel of what has gone on, then using the volcanic force of it to propel you forward on your bike. Nobody got hurt and you got to burn out all those toxins xxxxx
not all of them. I have a looong way to go.
I released a lot yesterday but I still woke up today, sooooo much angrier. So much crud is coming up, so many wholly injust, humiliating memories and degrading new developments to deal with. I’ll try out that album smoky. And I’m definitely asking myself a lot of questions throughout this process.
The same thing is true for me with fear. whenever I am afraid of something I always find its because I don’t understand it. But anger, this is a different animal. its not that I don’t understand what’s happening or why its happening or why I am angry… I tend to only get angry about injustice. Not mistakes or accidents that are devastating…those can’t be helped, I just cant be angry about things like that. but deliberate, intentional premeditated harm against others, especially those you are supposed to protect from harm, the injustice of that, as well as continuing acts of degradation, that makes me so angry. It doesnt matter whether its against me, or other people, or the planet, or politics, its always intentional injustice that fires me up and gets me angry.
yeah..that is a profound concept. One wonders if evil really exists. I believe under the pleasant facade of decorum and tact the fact remains that we are animals whose prime motivation is survival. Survival at all costs. I read somewhere that humanity is only three meals away from revolution, meaning when our creature comforts are taken away all bets are off. That’s not to say there aren’t a few who can rise above it. It’s just that people can do desperate loathsome things when backed into corner or if they feel threatened, or attempting to gain something on the back of others. People can be unfathomably cruel sometimes. Unfortunately it’s a every man/women for himself universe. It’s tough to let someone get away with something but I’m certain the universe has a way of taking care of that stuff on its own. You could always get a happy go lucky cat. A cats love is true.
You have touched on a few things that have inspired new blog posts Smoky. Hmm. So perhaps I shouldn’t comment, yet.
The cat thing, that is already taken care of. Literally a day after he left me, an incredible slinky black cat adopted me. She is a sneaky ninja who loves to ride in cars, loves to be thrown in the air, loves to be laughed at, in fact lives to make people laugh at her antics, loves to be attacked while sleeping with jabby fingers and kisses, loves to be kissed on the nose, loves to be pretend-licked, and best of all, loves to follow me wherever I go. Even the bar, a mile down the road. Where she will wait up in a tree until I am ready to come home. She follows other people too, but recently she has become devoted to me. A cat I longed for, for years, but my ex would have been horribly allergic to. So it seems, everything is falling into place for me.
maybe get a tattoo that means a great deal to you, it can be something small, the pain you feel during the process is helpful and it gives you a badge of honor that need mean nothing to anyone but you (the stripes on my ears are some of my warrior marks from battles fought & survived). And your kitty, so happy to hear the story on that… Phranq came about similarly, though wholly different, my ex wouldn’t let me have a cat, not allergic~ just didn’t like them, at all, I met Phranq in the interim and had a dream that involved me dancing with myself as a dead woman and Phranq was there, …my inner voice told me near the end of the dream that the dead *can* dance and I could have my cat… this was months before Phranq was in need of a new home but when he was I was there for him.
Cheers Niq! I posted up something recently about getting a tattoo, as part of my battle scars. It’s going to be amazing! I can’t wait to reveal all :D
By the way, that dream was so amazing.
hee hee, yeah, nothing liking dancing with a beautiful woman and slowly realizing it is your own animated corpse. and it was one of those wickedly real-feeling dreams too.
I should also clarify that I do not regard myself as beautiful, per se, not to dog on myself just that I see myself as pretty sometimes, not necessarily beautiful, but I think that was part of the point of the dream.
Oh my gosh Niq, you ARE beautiful, and so was the dream.
Maybe the Ninja Kitty is a spirit of someone gone on to a parallel universe but has come back here to comfort and encourage you.
There most definitely evil in the world. There are some people who are truly evil. I have seen a couple of them face to face. It is a literally stunning event, and one I do not want to repeat.
Anger must be released. Burn photos, run, whatever you must do. Get rid of it as you would a poison. Dig a hole in the sand, and pour your fury into it and bury it.
When I’m there, we will drive and visit places I love in Big Bend. We will also go to Terlingua and Lajitas (you have to meet the goat-mayor). The desert purifies, cleans, and enlightens. You are in the right place to heal.
You’re right, I can feel just energy-wise that I am in exactly the right place to heal. I love the desert, I love feeling the sun glow all through me, lifting me out of sadness as I rise up out of bed in the morning.
I cannot wait to go to Terlingua, and stay there for a while. It’s been a dream of mine for quite some time.
Funnily enough Ninja Kitty arrived the day after Nathan left, and has arrived with pretty much the same energy he had, to replace that void. She’s just as impossible to live with, hilariously anticed, ridiculously lovable and WILLFUL. Just like him. I think she arrived because I was still vibrating with the energy of someone who craved that specific energy.